Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Into the darkness I go again (IWSG)

IWSG Question: What was your very first piece of writing as an aspiring writer? Where is it now? Collecting dust or has it been published?

My  Answer: The first story I wrote was a love story of a misfit high school girl making friends with the new, but fast becoming popular boy. I was in high school at the time and was channeling my own feelings of not belonging. However, before I went off to college I destroyed all my written works, thinking of them as childish things that were of no value. After all, I was going to be a serious person. Sad,right? I was so uptight back then:)

Moving on to my insecurity . . . I feel rather frustrated. More with myself than anything else. Even though I have gotten some writing done and slowly finding myself getting back into a type of schedule, I'm still not as motivated as I once was. I want to do so much, but when I wake up in the mornings, I feel depressed and my mood is so dark and it pushes my creativity into dormancy. Just when I think I'm free of those feelings, they come back just when I'm ready to move on. I've blamed laziness and procrastination, but I just can't get out of this funk. 

I will be seeing my specialist, with regards to the pain and discomfort in my hands this month again. Hopefully I can get him to refer me to someone that can help with my depression. Hopefully then I can go back to my writing life and become sane again. Right now, all this lack of hope and desire to write is driving me crazy. This isn't who I am. Sorry that this post is so heavy. 

The Insecure Writers Support Group was created by the talented Mr. Alex J. Cavanaugh so that writers can share their insecurities and/or encourage others who need support with their own. You can visit Alex Here, or if you want to join us in discussing our insecurities on the first Wednesday of each month, you are welcome to join by going Here.

53 comments :

  1. Even though you're in a place you don't want to be right now, you're making an effort to free yourself from it. That's a good thing. Hopefully when your hands aren't hurting as much, you'll feel more like writing and the rest will follow.

    Thoughts in Progress
    and MC Book Tours

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    1. Thank you, Mason. I know you are right.

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  2. Hi Murees - good luck with the consultation and I do hope the medics can help ... at least spring is coming for you - and perhaps that can give you the spurt on that you need to have a good long writing period - ie over the spring and summer and into autumn ...

    Have you tried a dictating machine or even Dragon - the converting speech to text writer programme? Heaven knows what it'll do with your Suithe Avrikaan accent - but you'll have fun (and no doubt) frustration setting it up ...
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_NaturallySpeaking there are other sites and a YouTube video on it ...

    Good luck and all the best though - cheers Hilary

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    1. Thank you, Hilary:) I haven't tried Dragon yet, but I will check it out. Thank you for making me aware of it.

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  3. Taking those steps to deal with the pain and the depression is huge. Be proud of that, and have faith in yourself and in your creativity. You can do this!

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  4. Is there a song or a poem you might start off with in the morning to move your mind into something inspirational? Music helps me so much. Sometimes it helps me generate a new feeling and emotion. Quotes do too :)

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    1. Thank you, Erika. I usually tell myself to breath deep and take everything slow. It tends to calm me.

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  5. I think this is the perfect place to be dark. I'm in a very grumpy state of mind because there just isn't any time for writing. I'm keeping up with the blogging, just barely, as an effort to get guest blogs out for a book tour. But until school starts again, I'm stuck.

    I hope your hands get better. I got so mad the other week, I slammed my hand down on the desk, but it hit the edge of my laptop and cut it pretty deep. Stupid move. That hand still aches.

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    1. Sorry about your hand. Thank you, Tamara.

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  6. That's what the group is for, so no worries.
    Hope you get help for the pain and depression. That's no way to live.

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    1. Thank you, Alex. I am so thankful for the amazing people in this group and the blogosphere.

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  7. I had moments when I was younger when I trashed certain things because of my insecurities, but I, thankfully, kept the most important. I, too, started YA stories that channeled my hopes and dreams as a teen.

    I've had depression. It's hard. Especially when you're a writer, I feel. I hope you find your way out of it. xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Chrys. I'm trying really hard to find my way out.

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  8. Depression is a serious threat. I do hope you find help to deal with it. Of course, you've chosen the very worst career--I speak from experience--to avoid depression. First writing is hard. People like to find fault with whatever you create. The "finished" piece is never perfect. I could go on, but I'm getting depressed just writing this comment. I'm sending positive, healing energy your way and keeping just a tad for myself.

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    1. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

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  9. You definitely need to speak with someone if you're feeling depressed. I know exercise can help--and bonus, when I walk, I feel inspired to write. Somehow it gets those ideas going. Also some people have luck with Sam-E...it's a natural mood booster that you can get in any drugstore/grocery store. It takes a week or two to see results. Some people now even get Sam-E as a shot. It's something the body naturally produces that can lift your mood.

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    1. Thank you, Stephanie. I will look into Sam-E.

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  10. It's so hard to fend off depression when facing any kind of physical ailment. Especially when it's chronic. I know you can do it, because you're epic like that, but it takes years of patterning. Still, you've got this. You can find the sunshine, and then find it again. I'm rooting for you!

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    1. Thank you, Crystal. That means a lot:)

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  11. I'm sorry you are struggling with depression. I have been dealing with that recently too and it can be so hard to get going. I second Stephanie's comment about exercise, it does help me.
    I hope the specialist can help with your pain. That has to only make the depression worse. Take care and hang in there. *hugs*

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  12. That's a rough time with your hands and depression. I hope the doctors can help and things start looking up soon.

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  13. Hi Murees. How can I help? (mind whirring)... As your hands are painful at the moment, then don't even think about typing. Why not try, when you wake up in the morning, telling yourself outloud one nice thing you are going to do to make you smile today - it can be something as small as eating a chocolate bar - but when you eat that chocolate bar, you should think of happy thoughts. What is your favourite place? What is your favourite memory? Anything, but something positive - even if for only a moment (baby steps). Also, what I've tried is talking into my dictaphone or mobile phone about how I'm feeling. You don't even have to listen back to it - better not :) Just blabber on to yourself. It helps to rid the words from your mind.

    Hope your doctors appointment goes well. Thinking of you. Get well soon.

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    1. Thank you, Nicola. You are wonderful.

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  14. I hope the doctor can help you. You're moving in the right direction by seeking help. Keep your head above water, and keep paddling. With help, you'll reach the shore and find your way.

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  15. The best part is ~ you've recognized you have a problem and you're seeking help!!! Take care and walk in the light!!!!!

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  16. Depression is not fun. I hope the doctor can help too.
    Juneta @ Writer's Gambit

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  17. Hope the doctor can help . . . I'm going to mine next week for anxiety. Prayer and listening to uplifting music and reading good books helps, but sometimes, I can't get my mind to stop! ~Hugs

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    1. Thank you, Jamie. Good-luck with your appointment.

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  18. Chronic pain is horrible and it does horrible things to people. I hope you find some relief soon.

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  19. I hope you feel better soon, both your hands and your spirit.

    I was guilty of destroying things when the inner-critic went into over drive. Writers can be pretty hard on themselves!

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. Yes, we can be really tough on ourselves. I really wish I didn't get rid of those stories though:)

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  20. Hi Murees,
    Don't be sorry. That's one of the reasons this group was established by Alex. I hear what you're saying. and I kind of know where you are. I too went through a depression for three years, some years ago. The only thing that helped me as I recognized what it was , was to embrace it, and I actually did. By that. I accepted the fact that I was depressed and that it would probably not change overnight. I got myself a prayer partner, a woman whom I could trust, and I met with her once a week for about an hour and a half. Nothing happened immediately. I met with her and we would talk about how I was feeling then pray. I read my Bible also every morning even though I didn't feel like it. Then I went about my day. I worked, wrote in my journal, and concentrated on my music. Many people told me that they couldn't believe I was depressed. That made me angry and I would say, but I am. I found myself also helping other people out more. When I did that, I would forget my depression until I got home. It was in the third year that I noticed a difference in me. I became aware that a cloud was lifting. One morning I woke up and it was gone. I am not saying that this happens for all people but maybe it can happen for you. Oh and another thing, I took JohannesKraut capsules. (That's the German name) Two a day. I think in English they are called St. John Wort.
    All the best and I sincerely hope you feel better soon.
    Shalom aleichem,
    Patricia

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    1. Pat, I've got to applaud you for such an empathetic comment. You're a sweetheart and I hope Murees finds your words helpful.

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    2. Thank you so much for sharing your struggle with me, Pat. It means a lot to know you could overcome this monster. I get the "you don't look or act depressed", all the time. It is frustrating when others don't understand. I am trying to be patient with myself and kinder too. But like you said, it does take time. Thank you so much for your support.

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  21. Chronic pain has a huge impact on depression and drive. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you can get help for your hands, and that it improves everything else, as well.

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  22. Hey Murees, take care of yourself. I can only imagine what deep depression feels like...
    I hope you find some relief for your hands and your depression soon.
    Sending you loads of (((ubuntu hugs))) and a boost of positivity----------------------

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    1. Thank you, Michelle. I appreciate it:)

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  23. Take care, and I hope you can get help and support for your depression and pain.

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  24. Hi Murees. You must look after your mental health before anything else. Many writers suffer depression, maybe because we think too much and too deeply. I hope your specialist can help you. Pain in the hands doesn't help with writing, I'm sure.
    Am thinking of you...:-)

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    1. Thank you, Denise. You are very kind.

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  25. I found you through the IWSG. I almost destroyed my earlier writing as well, chocking it up to unpolished writing, so I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to be motivated to do what you'd like when you are depressed and in pain. Yet, you know that if you were to accomplish one of your "to do's", you'd feel better. Sometimes when I am having issues with depression, it helps to get up, get dressed (yes, that includes the bra), and do one thing on my list. The feeling of accomplishment helps. Also, getting outside and doing something with friends helps. Of course, medication is helpful as well. I hope you find the right combination of healing so you can feel better. Everything we grow through is part of the journey and perhaps what your working through now can be helpful, once you're clear of the pain, to others. You'll be in my prayers this week.

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    1. Thank you, Diane. You are so right. Doing one of the things on my to do list does help and make me feel better. You are brave to put on your bra when you are feeling that low:) I usually stay in my pajamas all day long. Thank you for understanding and the support.

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  26. Some years back I took a workshop with Julia Cameron and she told a wonderful story. She was very depressed after a project she was working on failed. She called her (then) husband, Martin Scorscese and told him about what she was feeling. She said that she knew he got depressed when a movie of his got bad reviews and she asked him what he did about it. He replied, "I wallow in it." Sometimes I think we need slow periods just to re-group. It feels terrible--I've been through it a lot--but, so far, it has always gone away leaving me with new insights. I wish you well.

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    1. Thank you, Kathleen. I do find it hard to enjoy those slow periods, but they are very useful, I guess:) Thank you for the support.

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