Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Still a mess

Hello Friends. Thank you so much for the kind words of comfort during this tough time. It has really helped. In truth, I'm still in the process of feeling sorry for myself. But I know I need to start becoming functional again.

I wanted to update my book buying links today and stumbled onto a website that was reposting my blog content. I got in contact with the owners of the site, so I have to wait and see if they take my content down, or what response they give. I just really don't have energy for this kind of crap right now.

So, what has everyone been up to?

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Saying good-bye to Katie

Katie loved playing inside boxes

Yesterday I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. Our family cat, Katie( a.k.a. Katja/ Katja-Minka)  had to be rushed to the vet on Saturday and soon we got the diagnosis that her kidneys were failing. She was kept on a drip all of Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday afternoon the Vet let us know that she wasn't getting better, but worse. So, my brother and I came to the decision to have her put to sleep. There was nothing else they could do for her and I didn't want her to suffer any more. 

It was awful. She no longer looked like our beloved and temperamental cat, but rather weak and frail. Her eyes tried to take in as much as they could. She even tried to get up, but ended up failing each time. In all honesty, her mind and spirit was still strong. After all, Katie was as tough as they came. But her body just couldn't take it anymore, which I found to be the saddest. She wanted to live, but her body couldn't cope. Letting a loved one go, especially one that was like your kid is heart wrenching. Even worse, having to live with the fact that I had her put to sleep feels like an evil act and if I had betrayed her. Like spitting on the 10 years she loved me and my family. 

 Katie sleeping between my mom's plants

Afterwards, we brought her home and buried her in her favorite part of the yard, where she liked to hang out. Even the dogs found saying good-bye to Katie hard. They all grew up and lived together in peace and love and she had been part of their pack . . . Now she was gone. They sniffed at her fragile little body and Abby, the oldest, even nudged her with the nose a few times, but Katie did not move. 

Katie asleep on top of mom's parsley

My Dearest Katie,
Thank you for being my best friend.
Thank you for loving me, 
even though I was the furthest thing from perfect.
Thank you for making me laugh and smile.
Thank you for being born. 
Sorry for the choice I made, 
forcing you to leave my side.
Sorry for the life I took.  
Please, I beg you, forgive me.
I will love you always.
Rest in peace, my love.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Thank you

I wanted to say a huge Thank You to everyone for their support during my IWSG post this month. I am so grateful and humbled.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

What happened? (IWSG)

Thank you so much to Alex and his awesome IWSG co-hosts! You guys are wonderful.

To be completely honest, I haven’t felt like myself for a while now. I had hoped that going on holiday would clarify why, but alas, I still don’t feel quite like myself. I’ve particularly noticed it in my writing. I haven’t been able to think clearly about anything writing related at all. In fact, I feel like I have lost some of myself, or identity in some way. I don’t know how!

I simply woke up a few months ago and just didn’t have any original ideas anymore. I might be published, but I don’t feel like a writer anymore. I think I’m a fraud. I haven’t truly written anything in over a year. I have been busy with The Amaranthine for so long that I never thought about the next project. I scraped book 2, to only have the new written chapters take me in a direction I definitely don’t want to go and thus, I scraped that too. What I am hoping to do is go back to the very first draft and see where I had started. To at least somehow try and get a feel for who I was as a writer 5 years ago.

I’m all for growing as a writer and learning new things, especially the do’s and don’ts, but somehow I have ruined myself. I used to think of myself as a storyteller first and now I’m not even that. Even though I have gotten so much great advice in the past, I am going to stick to my initial decision and go at book two alone. No critique partners. No beta readers. No consideration of plot ideas from family and friends. Why? Because I want to write the book I want. I need to write what I want. If it sucks, it sucks. I am and will always be way too much of a people pleaser to be able to work with others on my writing. Hopefully my editor can help me salvage my manuscript if I ever decide on a final version I can redraft and self-edit before passing it on to her.

Hopefully during this painful process of going at things on my own again I will find the person and writer who I’ve somehow managed to loose. I can tell you that the woman looking back at me in the mirror isn’t me. I could always count on my imagination and my weirdness and now . . . somehow I’ve just become generic and a sheep. I have so many notes on my Thelum Series, but I can’t connect to the part of me that wrote those notes. I feel no passion for the project and I don’t know why! Trust me, writing this series has been my dream for so long and now I’m sinking. How the hell did I allow myself to become this sad and pathetic person?

The Insecure Writers Support Group was created by the talented Mr. Alex J. Cavanaugh so that writers can share their insecurities and/or encourage others who need support with their own. You can visit Alex Here, or if you want to join us in discussing our insecurities on the first Wednesday of each month, you are welcome to join by going Here.

Monday, February 1, 2016

When you relax

Last week my two sisters and I went on holiday at the Mykonos resort in Langebaan. The three of us haven't been on holiday together for a long time. Usually only two of us can go while the other works. We all enjoyed ourselves. We ate, slept, ate again and went for nice walks beside the beach (for me) and on the beach for my siblings.

View of where we were staying

The point of this resort is to make you feel like you're actually in Greece. With the obvious Greek style Kalivas. They even have a Greek restaurant, along with others of course. Most people flock to the resort for the casino, but me and my siblings would much rather just chill or go eat out. 

 View from our balcony

I had left all my writing material at home to really give myself a break. But after the first night I made my siblings go out shopping with me for a little book and pen to write my ideas in.

View at night

I did have fun. Most importantly, I got cool weather, so I could catch up on much needed sleep. Having had some rest and relaxation, I now feel a lot more positive about the year ahead. 

How did your week/weekend go?

Not quite myself

I have no idea why, but I have not been feeling like myself. Even being in my own skin feels alien.  The good news is that I still managed t...