I wanted to take part in this awesome blogfest CATCH ME IF YOU CAN (http://kaykays-corner.blogspot.com/2011/02/yay-for-game-plans-aka-catch-me-if-you.html), which is where you post 550 words of your current work in progress and see if you can hook people, to see if you can manage to leave them wanting more (it is currently still open if you want to participate). But my link did not want to load and I think it is Divine intervention.
My entry posted bellow anyway.
I am one of those people who believe that things happen for a reason and I tend to believe in signs. Like my link not wanting to load was a way of stopping myself from making an ass of myself. Why do I say that you ask? Well I have been getting a lot of criticism with regards to my writing which has me thinking that I am not actually as talented as I thought. I posted my 99th page on page99test.com and 12 people commented thus far and the verdict was (drum role please)...8 said they will not turn the page and 4 said they would. 50% said they would not buy this book and the rest were undecided. Plus I got some pages back from my current critique partner and the changes were monumental. Technically my writing is not strong. There are a lot of grammatical errors and apparently I am a bad story teller too. I tend to tell far more than I show, which as you know is bad. But I am not depressed about it or anything.
So, because I am so hard headed, I decided to post my 550 words of my novel Immortal: New Beginning anyway. Keep in mind it is undergoing severe editing as we speak. Enjoy!
Oak Tree city was just like any other city—lots of skyscrapers and no sign of green foliage anywhere. Not to mention millions of people constantly rushing to get somewhere.
It was Friday today and like most people of Oak Tree City, I was walking to work. It was my way of de-stressing before a hard days work.
I didn’t bother looking around to take in the sights or to pay attention to anyone. I didn’t care to know any of these people. I didn’t feel as if I fit in amongst them.
I was approaching the building where I worked when I smelled a heavenly scent that made me stop in my tracks.
I stood on the sidewalk, taking in as much of this wonderful aroma as possible. It smelled sweet like cotton candy but it was also musky. It was quite complex. I had never smelled anything like it.
I closed my eyes and took in the smell. I suddenly felt calm. My mind felt as if it was standing still. I couldn’t think at all.
Wave after wave of powerful emotions over took my body. I felt happy, safe, comforted and a feeling close to being in love.
Then I felt a strong shoulder knock me backwards.
My eyes flew open.
The smell was suddenly gone too and I could finally focus again. I saw the possible culprit. A largely built man wearing a blue pin striped suit.
‘’What the hell? Couldn’t you see me standing here?’’ I shouted.
‘’Who cares lady?’’ the man responded still walking away.
‘’You are an ass!’’
‘’What ever, freak!’’ he responded.
For some reason I always made people uneasy. I looked normal but something about me was just not right.
I realized that I couldn’t really blame the guy for bumping into me. I was the one who stood still on a very busy street.
I didn’t know what came over me though. It was as if the smell had taken control of me somehow.
I ran my hands through my thick curly hair, took a deep breath and crossed the street.
Just as I was about to put my foot on the pavement on the other side, I heard a car come to a screeching stop.
I realized soon enough that the car nearly ran me over.
‘’Get out of the damn street lady!’’ the driver screamed.
‘’Sorry’’ I said, feeling confused.
‘’Don’t be sorry, just get out of the damn way!’’ the driver said.
I still seemed to be affected by the smell because I didn’t see that car coming and the fact that I was almost killed didn’t bother me at the moment.
I rushed onto the sidewalk and hoped that this was not a sign of what the rest of my day was going to be like.
My entry posted bellow anyway.
I am one of those people who believe that things happen for a reason and I tend to believe in signs. Like my link not wanting to load was a way of stopping myself from making an ass of myself. Why do I say that you ask? Well I have been getting a lot of criticism with regards to my writing which has me thinking that I am not actually as talented as I thought. I posted my 99th page on page99test.com and 12 people commented thus far and the verdict was (drum role please)...8 said they will not turn the page and 4 said they would. 50% said they would not buy this book and the rest were undecided. Plus I got some pages back from my current critique partner and the changes were monumental. Technically my writing is not strong. There are a lot of grammatical errors and apparently I am a bad story teller too. I tend to tell far more than I show, which as you know is bad. But I am not depressed about it or anything.
So, because I am so hard headed, I decided to post my 550 words of my novel Immortal: New Beginning anyway. Keep in mind it is undergoing severe editing as we speak. Enjoy!
Oak Tree city was just like any other city—lots of skyscrapers and no sign of green foliage anywhere. Not to mention millions of people constantly rushing to get somewhere.
It was Friday today and like most people of Oak Tree City, I was walking to work. It was my way of de-stressing before a hard days work.
I didn’t bother looking around to take in the sights or to pay attention to anyone. I didn’t care to know any of these people. I didn’t feel as if I fit in amongst them.
I was approaching the building where I worked when I smelled a heavenly scent that made me stop in my tracks.
I stood on the sidewalk, taking in as much of this wonderful aroma as possible. It smelled sweet like cotton candy but it was also musky. It was quite complex. I had never smelled anything like it.
I closed my eyes and took in the smell. I suddenly felt calm. My mind felt as if it was standing still. I couldn’t think at all.
Wave after wave of powerful emotions over took my body. I felt happy, safe, comforted and a feeling close to being in love.
Then I felt a strong shoulder knock me backwards.
My eyes flew open.
The smell was suddenly gone too and I could finally focus again. I saw the possible culprit. A largely built man wearing a blue pin striped suit.
‘’What the hell? Couldn’t you see me standing here?’’ I shouted.
‘’Who cares lady?’’ the man responded still walking away.
‘’You are an ass!’’
‘’What ever, freak!’’ he responded.
For some reason I always made people uneasy. I looked normal but something about me was just not right.
I realized that I couldn’t really blame the guy for bumping into me. I was the one who stood still on a very busy street.
I didn’t know what came over me though. It was as if the smell had taken control of me somehow.
I ran my hands through my thick curly hair, took a deep breath and crossed the street.
Just as I was about to put my foot on the pavement on the other side, I heard a car come to a screeching stop.
I realized soon enough that the car nearly ran me over.
‘’Get out of the damn street lady!’’ the driver screamed.
‘’Sorry’’ I said, feeling confused.
‘’Don’t be sorry, just get out of the damn way!’’ the driver said.
I still seemed to be affected by the smell because I didn’t see that car coming and the fact that I was almost killed didn’t bother me at the moment.
I rushed onto the sidewalk and hoped that this was not a sign of what the rest of my day was going to be like.
This is interesting.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
Thank you Beth. You always have nice things to say.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel down because of the comments you get on a 99th page blogfest. We all start from somewhere, and we all have room to improve.
ReplyDeleteGetting critique from a partner is a good thing. Much better than getting a rejection from an agent. :0)
I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're writing here. The premise piques my interest.
I don't see grammatical errors, and there is not an indication of bad storytelling in these 550 words.
Keep working at it.
That scent is interesting, and it looks like it'll be playing a major role in the rest of your story! I can just about imagine it, thanks to your description, although I wonder if you could have spent a bit more time describing the 'complex' scent, i.e. show rather than tell. Could it be "sweet as freshly spun cotton candy at a summer carnival, yet thick and musky like a brand new leather handbag"? I know that's not a brilliant example. I just plucked it out of the air, but you get my drift!
ReplyDeleteOther than that, consider varying your sentence structure. Glancing down the passage, I see lots of paragraphs beginning with 'I'.
"I ran my hands through my thick curly hair" was a stumbling block for me. I can't imagine describing my own hair in a 1st person piece, not unless the Mc was staring at a reflection. Perhaps her thick, curly hair could be introduced later on, as it doesn't seem vital to know what her hair is like yet here?
And finally, there's the tiniest niggle with the typo "hard days work" which should be "day's".
Interesting premise to a story here, and I would read more. Hope I haven't been too harsh with my comments, it was not intended!
Katharine - Thank you for the encouraging words. And I will definitely work on my writing a bit more. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJ.C - I value your honest opinion and I am very thankful for it. I will definitely be addressing the issues you pointed out. Your critique was not harsh at all. I have gotten a lot worse. Thank you for the helpful tips.
I agree with the others--criticism is a good thing, and I love the story idea. It's nice that you have people to point out the technical things that need improvement...even if it does make you cringe a bit. I'm way better at taking criticism on my writing than on my cooking. Critique my writing, and we'll be friends. If you're going to tell me how to improve my dinner, though, you'd better be a mile away! ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you Carla. I am getting better at handling criticism.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with you about cooking and criticism. Those two just do not go well together. I just eat and smile.
I certainly don't think you're a bad storyteller at all. The premise of this piece is very interesting! I agree that the word "I" comes up quite a bit (and I'm a victim of the "I" when I write in first-person as well.. how else do you write in first person if you can't use the word "I"?!).
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to put out a full-blown critique of your 550 words here because that's not what a blogfest is about. My biggest weakness (besides the thousand other little ones) is that I "tell" more than I "show," especially in first person. I see a bit of "telling" in this passage, but that doesn't make me want to read more any less! I'm still curious to find out what happens... and I hope that I find out soon ;)
Thanks Renee. I am working on the telling, but it is so tough to stop doing. I have wondered where you have been. Missing your presence in the blogger world.
ReplyDelete