Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Who am I supposed to be?

Yesterday I had a interesting talk with my brother. It was about knowing when to change yourself to fit into the world. About being someone else when in public and only being myself when at home. But last night I had officially had it with being told what to do and pretending to be someone else for other's sake.

Today at work I let my true colors show and people didn't talk to me half as much as they used to and I was rather happy about it. My work contract expires the 30th of November 2010 and to be honest I can't wait. I am counting down the days.

So what brought on this talk with my brother? Well, it was about me being unemployed. He thinks that I have a bad attitude, which I don't agree with. When at work I am always professional and courteous and to be honest, being all smiles and crap just got me trampled on. The real me usually tells people what I think when I am thinking it. And apparently being like that won't get me employed. But pretending to be this happy and bubbly person has done nothing but make me unhappy and get me low paying jobs. Pretending to be a weak and fragile person is not in my nature and I refuse to be like that for any bodies sake. Not anymore anyway. So I told him to stop trying to change me.

Thinking and writing as I am now would probably get me in trouble with my family but I don't care. Being happy to me is more important than anything. Having the freedom to say what I think is priceless to me. And my family doesn't get it. Though I know writing does not pay my bills it keeps me content. I know who I am as a person and I know what I want out of life. How many people can say that? Some people go on many life changing journey's without having ever discovered what their life is all about or who they really are.

I have faith that I will find another job soon and this time I will make sure it is a job I can actually making a living on. I am done working for minimum wages. I have a degree after all, even though it has not helped me much this far. But I just can't do something just for the sake of doing it. It ruins me as a person. I have to see purpose in it.

I might never become a published writer, this much I know, but I will damn well try. Even if I have to do it under a pen name, it makes no matter to me. As long as my work gets read. You may have noticed I took all the advertisements off my blog. I think it gives people the wrong impression of me. Because I can promise you that it is not all about the money. Never was. But that is in the past. I am moving on.

I am done changing. If people don't like me for who I am than tough shit.Honestly, I am done worrying about it. Life is too short to worry about living up to any bodies expectations. So if people have a problem with me being fat as well , than it is their problem. I am who I am and I am damn proud of it. When I exercise, it will be because I want to do it. Not because someone tells me to.

Not quite myself

I have no idea why, but I have not been feeling like myself. Even being in my own skin feels alien.  The good news is that I still managed t...