It feels like I only ever share bad news on the blog. But the truth is that my life has been thrust into darkness for the past few years. But I can say with a smile I’ve been feeling much better lately. Yes, I still struggle with depression and anxiety, and I probably will forever, but for the first time in a long time I don’t feel utterly hopeless.
I’m finally off of my anti-depressants. It sounds counter productive, I know. But my psychiatrist had prescribed them in the hopes that it would cure me. It didn’t. I don’t react to meds the way I’m supposed to. I found that out during the two years of experimenting with various chronic pain meds with my rheumatologist. He had so much patience with me. But my psychiatrist hadn’t. I didn’t write about this last year, because I didn’t want to add more depressing stuff. But basically the psychiatrist went off on me one day and mentioned that I wasn’t a real writer because real writers write regardless of depression, and that the meds should have worked by now, and that I was lazy for not doing more to drive away the depression. That I would never be a real writer with my attitude. I felt like shit for months afterwards.
But I was still (and still am) seeing my therapist once a week and she assured me my psychiatrist was probably having a bad day and had taken it out on me. But she mentioned that the psychiatrist was wrong and she had set me back another few months. Which I had agreed on. I stopped seeing that psychiatrist and am only going to therapy these days. Therapy helps me more than any medication ever had. Aside for suppressing certain emotions, anti-depressants don’t really work for me. It never makes my moods better. It just makes me feel horrible. But finally being free of them feels like such a relief and blessing.
I’ve weaned myself off the meds slowly and I have been anti-depressant free for almost a month and I feel so much better. Sure my emotional state is still a mess, but I can actually feel again. I no longer have this numb feeling anymore. I can differentiate between the various emotions I feel and I can actually write now. I can make sense of words, which wasn’t always possible before.
I’ve been working on a few short stories, and a few sentences on book 2 in the Thelum series. I also started practicing how to make e-book covers. Every penny I can spare, or if there is more I can do towards my writing career, the better. I’m definitely more of a hands-on kind of person. I like being involved in every detail.
Also, I have a clearer idea of the types of books I want to write. They are darker in theme and feel, but definitely in the fantasy genre. I haven’t dared put any of my books in fantasy because someone once told me that I wasn’t smart, or talented enough to write fantasy. I allowed those words to really make me doubt myself. But I decided that I was going to put my books in that genre regardless. There are so many fantasy sub-genres, like supernatural and urban fantasy that my Thelum series fit into. Perhaps book 2 would even be better suited toward dark fantasy. Either way, I just feel like I know more about who I am now than I did a year or 2 years ago. And I have to be true to myself and my gut.
I’m not saying that I’m upbeat and smiling-for-no-good-reason-kind-of-happy, or that I ever will be, but I’m in a good place mentally. I’m not saying I will only post happy stuff, but I will be myself more and sharing things that are more me.
I have a darker side which I hide because it’s polite to not show your crazy. But, I love tattoos. I like gothic stories, and poetry. I love biker style boots and the more buckles, the better. I also love having my hair short and I don’t like wearing skirts or dresses. Never have and probably never will. Someone said that’s not very lady-like or feminine of me and I don’t give a crap. I know I’m a female and I don’t need clothes or other people to tell me who I am anymore.
I’ve finally started on the Harry Potter books. I know, don’t gasp! I never had the urge to read them before, but over the past two weeks I started. I started collecting the books about two years ago, and only bought used copies. I was determined to only read the entire series until I had all the books. A few months ago I gave up and just bought the two copies I couldn’t find in used bookshops and pay full-price for them. I don’t mind now. I’m really enjoying the books. It is definitely whisking me off to a new world, which I enjoy. I’ve definitely found that I don’t like reading books when they are popular, or on the rage. I will often read books years after the buzz has died down. Don’t really know why, but it’s just something I do. Anyway, I now have a mismatched set of Harry Potter books but I don’t care. The content is still the same, even if the covers differ.
Did I mention I’m trying to make my own e-book covers? They are hard to figure out. I don’t think I have an artistic eye, but my siblings think I’m not giving myself too much credit. They saw some of the finished products. It is definitely fun trying to teach myself another skill. It’s strange, but I really don’t mind learning something new each time.
I’m avoiding all the sites that I usually peruse for writing tips and so forth. I feel that I’ve done too much of that the past few years, that I just have to sit my butt down, and get some actual writing done. Plus, all those marketing advice and stuff don’t work for me. Just figuring out what does work for me and doing what feels right to me has worked better in my case. So I just don’t need more articles at the moment. Do you ever feel like that?
I watched Beauty and The Beast and liked it. I could sing along to most of the songs, as I was a fan of the animation as well. I think Emma Watson did a great job. Suicide Squad and Deadpool are me and my sisters go to movies these days if there’s nothing to watch and we need a laugh. I loved Harley Quinn. I just wish there was more of her in the movie.
So, that’s it from me. What are you up to? Got anything you wish to share?