Monday, January 10, 2011


Did you ever feel as if you are drowning in negativity? As if there is a heavy weight on your heart and you struggle to breath? You are trying to recover from one blow and then another hits you from behind, when you least expect it. Then there's the adding to an already heavy load.

That's me today. If you are having a similar day to mine then I advise you not to read further because I am feeling damn sorry for myself.

I went to the College, where I am suppose to start work tomorrow, and if you are anything like my mother you can probably guess that I didn't like it. It just doesn't feel right. The whole experience feels like a big punch to the gut. Not to mention the way people keep referring to me as the new temporary girl.

I went to church yesterday and the people there made me feel unwelcome and I felt awkward. I have been going to the same church since I was born and I will admit I don't go to church regularly but it doesn't mean I don't have faith. I believe in God and a power much greater than myself. I feel closer to God on my own than I do in my church. I know a lot of you will hate me for saying that.

I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have had it since the beginning of the new year and I just can't shake it. Every time something awful happens to me I feel like it is the end of the world and I know it is not. It just feels like it.

I got two more rejection letters. No surprise there. I got this weird feeling last week. The little voice in my head said ''Send away a few more queries. Do it. Do It!'' And hell, I did it, with disastrous results. The rejections didn't really get me down but the time they arrived I was already having a lot of personal problems and it just broke me.

I am not writing anymore. I am at a blank wall. I truly feel as if I am just drowning at the moment. I am making everyone around me miserable.

I am doubting my talent as a writer too. I just feel like a wanna-be at the moment. My brother bought me, The Guide to Literary Agents 2011 and The Writers Market 2011 for my birthday. He really wants me to succeed and my whole family is really supportive now. Their support is coming at a time when I am at my least creative and when I am having the most doubt about my writing and the fact if I have any talent at all. Ironic.

Not quite myself

I have no idea why, but I have not been feeling like myself. Even being in my own skin feels alien.  The good news is that I still managed t...