Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Got some spring in my step and an update


via GIPHY

It feels like I only ever share bad news on the blog. But the truth is that my life has been thrust into darkness for the past few years. But I can say with a smile I’ve been feeling much better lately. Yes, I still struggle with depression and anxiety, and I probably will forever, but for the first time in a long time I don’t feel utterly hopeless.

I’m finally off of my anti-depressants. It sounds counter productive, I know. But my psychiatrist had prescribed them in the hopes that it would cure me. It didn’t. I don’t react to meds the way I’m supposed to. I found that out during the two years of experimenting with various chronic pain meds with my rheumatologist. He had so much patience with me. But my psychiatrist hadn’t. I didn’t write about this last year, because I didn’t want to add more depressing stuff. But basically the psychiatrist went off on me one day and mentioned that I wasn’t a real writer because real writers write regardless of depression, and that the meds should have worked by now, and that I was lazy for not doing more to drive away the depression. That I would never be a real writer with my attitude. I felt like shit for months afterwards.

But I was still (and still am) seeing my therapist once a week and she assured me my psychiatrist was probably having a bad day and had taken it out on me. But she mentioned that the psychiatrist was wrong and she had set me back another few months. Which I had agreed on. I stopped seeing that psychiatrist and am only going to therapy these days. Therapy helps me more than any medication ever had. Aside for suppressing certain emotions, anti-depressants don’t really work for me. It never makes my moods better. It just makes me feel horrible. But finally being free of them feels like such a relief and blessing.

I’ve weaned myself off the meds slowly and I have been anti-depressant free for almost a month and I feel so much better. Sure my emotional state is still a mess, but I can actually feel again. I no longer have this numb feeling anymore. I can differentiate between the various emotions I feel and I can actually write now. I can make sense of words, which wasn’t always possible before.

I’ve been working on a few short stories, and a few sentences on book 2 in the Thelum series. I also started practicing how to make e-book covers. Every penny I can spare, or if there is more I can do towards my writing career, the better. I’m definitely more of a hands-on kind of person. I like being involved in every detail.

Also, I have a clearer idea of the types of books I want to write. They are darker in theme and feel, but definitely in the fantasy genre. I haven’t dared put any of my books in fantasy because someone once told me that I wasn’t smart, or talented enough to write fantasy. I allowed those words to really make me doubt myself. But I decided that I was going to put my books in that genre regardless. There are so many fantasy sub-genres, like supernatural and urban fantasy that my Thelum series fit into. Perhaps book 2 would even be better suited toward dark fantasy. Either way, I just feel like I know more about who I am now than I did a year or 2 years ago. And I have to be true to myself and my gut.

I’m not saying that I’m upbeat and smiling-for-no-good-reason-kind-of-happy, or that I ever will be, but I’m in a good place mentally. I’m not saying I will only post happy stuff, but I will be myself more and sharing things that are more me.
I have a darker side which I hide because it’s polite to not show your crazy. But, I love tattoos. I like gothic stories, and poetry. I love biker style boots and the more buckles, the better. I also love having my hair short and I don’t like wearing skirts or dresses. Never have and probably never will. Someone said that’s not very lady-like or feminine of me and I don’t give a crap. I know I’m a female and I don’t need clothes or other people to tell me who I am anymore.

I’ve finally started on the Harry Potter books. I know, don’t gasp! I never had the urge to read them before, but over the past two weeks I started. I started collecting the books about two years ago, and only bought used copies. I was determined to only read the entire series until I had all the books. A few months ago I gave up and just bought the two copies I couldn’t find in used bookshops and pay full-price for them. I don’t mind now. I’m really enjoying the books. It is definitely whisking me off to a new world, which I enjoy. I’ve definitely found that I don’t like reading books when they are popular, or on the rage. I will often read books years after the buzz has died down. Don’t really know why, but it’s just something I do. Anyway, I now have a mismatched set of Harry Potter books but I don’t care. The content is still the same, even if the covers differ.


Did I mention I’m trying to make my own e-book covers? They are hard to figure out. I don’t think I have an artistic eye, but my siblings think I’m not giving myself too much credit. They saw some of the finished products. It is definitely fun trying to teach myself another skill. It’s strange, but I really don’t mind learning something new each time.

I’m avoiding all the sites that I usually peruse for writing tips and so forth. I feel that I’ve done too much of that the past few years, that I just have to sit my butt down, and get some actual writing done. Plus, all those marketing advice and stuff don’t work for me. Just figuring out what does work for me and doing what feels right to me has worked better in my case. So I just don’t need more articles at the moment. Do you ever feel like that?

I watched Beauty and The Beast and liked it. I could sing along to most of the songs, as I was a fan of the animation as well. I think Emma Watson did a great job. Suicide Squad and Deadpool are me and my sisters go to movies these days if there’s nothing to watch and we need a laugh. I loved Harley Quinn. I just wish there was more of her in the movie.

So, that’s it from me. What are you up to? Got anything you wish to share? 

26 comments :

  1. Hi Murees - that's good news - the most important thing is finding the right balance for you. Engage with the positive and develop any skills you can learn and generally read, write and enjoy yourself - so good to hear you're feeling better ... take care and all the best - Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Hilary. I'm working on enjoying myself more these days.

      Delete
  2. wishing you hugs for your travails and best wishes for those new stories

    ReplyDelete
  3. Glad to hear you're doing better and feeling more positive overall! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. That psychiatrist is an asshat. I don't care if he was having a bad day. Nothing can excuse him for such a lack of professionalism with a patient. Besides, he didn't know what he was talking about.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Janie. I was so mad at her for such a long time. But I'm glad I could walk away that day.

      Delete
  5. Glad you got the real help you needed and ditched the drugs. And that crappy psychiatrist. I mean really - things you don't say to your patients!
    Harley Quinn is supposed to get her own movie. Rumored anyway.
    Now, enjoy some reading, writing, and inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Alex. I'm glad I decided then and there to never go back. Yay! for more Harley Quinn. I shall take your advice and enjoy some reading;)

      Delete
  6. Murees!!! I love this post! And your new strong voice. Always be you. I laughed when you said "it's not polite to show your crazy." Here in Texas we have a saying that we don't hide our crazy. We sit it on the front porch and give it a beer. So welcome to Texas! So to speak :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Carol. I feel so honored. I'll definitely not be hiding my crazy anymore. It's way too much trouble. My crazy rather does need a beer;)

      Delete
  7. I really don't care that the psychiatrist was having a bad day. He was completely inappropriate and unprofessional. So glad you dumped him. And gee we wonder why people are hesitant to seek mental health help. But, sure glad you are doing better now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jennifer. Luckily my therapist is amazing and could help me get through it. But there is definitely such a stigma about mental health here in South Africa.

      Delete
  8. Wow, I'm stunned to read about that psychiatrist. No excuse for what she did. So sorry that happened to you. But it makes me so happy to read that you are feeling better and don't feel hopeless. That's wonderful news. And I think you should be so proud of yourself for the work you have done and continue to do. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Julie. My therapist also always tells me to be proud of all the work I do. It's hard for me to always see the progress, but it really does make me feel so much better.

      Delete
  9. Glad you are feeling better, Murees. Take each day as a precious gift. So pleased you are more focused on your writing. You can do it! Sending you a big smile and a hug.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so glad you're feeling better. I recently got off my anti-depressants, too. I think it was making me worse, which can happen. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. :)

    I hope to start reading the Harry Potter series this year, too. I've only read the first 3.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay, I'm not alone on the Harry Potter series;) Thank you so much, Chrys. My doctors always insisted the anti-depressant would make it all better, but they only ever made me feel worse. Therapy is so much healthier for me, and it actually does work.

      Delete
  11. Murees - I'm glad that you're able to feel again and feeling better. I look forward to reading the fantasy you write - complete with darkness, biker boots, and short hair - if they come into it. Clothes definitely don't make a woman - I've had too many people tell me that I'm not feminine enough and I just have decided that those people are sadly lacking in manners (and that's the polite version of what I think).
    Cheers to you for being yourself and for writing and for reading and watching movies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Tyrean. I appreciate your support. I don't get why others think if a woman wears pants, it doesn't make her feminine. It's insane.

      Delete
  12. I'm not a fan of medication. Yes, there are times when it's helpful and even necessary, but overall, I believe in natural solutions. I'm so glad you're feeling. Here's hoping you have many, many up days to come--enough to counterbalance the dark ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Crystal. I now choose the natural options too, considering that I want to avoid side-effects. And I don't like feeling drugged.

      Delete
  13. I have a really good psychologist who's not about meds and more about teaching his patients to cope, if you ever want to check him out. He's based in Somerset West, so it's not *that* far either. Drop me a mail if you want me to give you the details. :-)

    As for your covers, you're welcome to send them my way if you want another eye on them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Misha. That is very cool of you. My therapist is a psychologist, and she helps me so much. She definitely agrees that I'm at the point where I no longer need the meds, and she keeps everything natural. I'm no longer seeing that mean psychiatrist though.

      Delete

Please leave a comment. I love comments.