Sunday, January 2, 2011

FIRST CHAPTER

Here is my first chapter of my first novel Immortal: New Beginning. It is the novel I have spent most of last year editing. I am still not completely happy with it but I thought I will put myself out there and hear what you all have to say.

Please, be nice. I hope you enjoy. Sorry about the weird formatting.

Chapter 1
I spent 23 years…searching. That’s how long I have been alive. Never really knowing what it is I am looking for—just trying to fill the empty hole on the inside of me which felt as if it was getting bigger as I got older. It feels as if something or someone is missing. And it didn’t help that I was dumped on an orphanages doorstep when I was only 3 month’s old either.
I was walking to work this morning. It was my way to de-stress before a hard day of work.
Oak Tree city was just like any other city—lots of skyscrapers and no sign of green foliage anywhere, along with millions of people rushing to get to work on time.
I reached my office building a lot faster than I wanted. On my way to my office I walked past my boss, Anna. She pretended not to see me and I was rather happy about it.
My mood changed as soon as I walked into my office.
I noticed that there were close to 50 files that needed to be organized and the information needed to be updated. But as usual, everything was shuffled together. Someone’s idea of a practical joke. But I wasn’t laughing.
Sometimes I felt capable of terrible things like I could commit murder. Not that I ever would.
As I was reaching for the first file I heard the clicking of high heels coming my way. I knew exactly who it was. Only one person could sound as uncoordinated as her. Petra!
‘’Think happy thoughts’’ I told myself.
I had to psyche myself up to talk to her. My job was tolerable, but the people around me made me feel like an undercover serial killer.
Petra always has a smug smile on her face which already ticks me off. She always pops into my office without knocking and then there’s the meaning less conversations.
Suddenly my office door yanks open and I knew who it was. The office troll Petra, right on time like I thought.
She had the smug smile I despised spread across her ridiculously over made-up face.
Then she spoke, her voice sounding even more annoying and arrogant than her face ‘’Anna needs those 50 files before 16:00 today’’.
I felt like screaming, ‘’I quit bitch!’’. But I had to fight especially hard to restrain myself today and I needed the money. Besides this was a good job. Another good job like this might be hard to come by if not impossible.
“I will have them by then’’ I spoke as calm as I could muster for the moment.
She was glaring at me now, keeping that smug grin on her face and pissing me of by the second.
‘’Have them ready by 15:00 instead. You know if you quit you can daydream everyday on your own time’’ she said in that smug arrogant tone she always had to her voice.
“Slap her Claire!” that’s what the little voice in my head said.
“Maybe tomorrow’’ I spoke through my teeth, answering both the voice in my head and Petra at the same time.
‘’Did you hear? I might get promoted’’ she said smiling
‘’Hah’’ I replied not interested in this conversation in the least.
I felt like stapling her mouth shut with my stapler.
Out of nowhere the smell of cotton candy filled my office. I closed my eyes and took in the smell. I suddenly felt calm, not agitated at all. The scent was sweet but still sort of masculine smelling. My mind felt as if it was standing still as if I couldn’t think at all.
I opened my eyes to find Petra staring at me totally bewildered. Why wasn’t she appreciating the smell the way I was?
‘’Do you smell that? It’s…’’ I stopped short of speaking any further.
“There is nothing to smell except the smell of pen ink. You are so odd. Sometimes you give me the creeps you psycho’’ she responded storming out of my office.
I just sat there smiling, taking in the wonderful aroma. She seemed unsettled by my reaction. Maybe I should creep her out more often.
I stood up trying to find out where the scent was coming from but as quickly as it appeared it disappeared.
When the scent was gone I could focus again. I could let my mind kick start.
I immediately went to work.
* * *
I put the files on Anna’s desk at 14:40.
As I was leaving her office the smell hit me again. It wasn’t as assaulting and aggressive on my senses as the first time I smelled it, yet still absurdly appealing.
The smell was coming from the reception area. I walked over to the reception area, but nobody besides our surly receptionist was there and I knew instantly she wasn’t the source.
I walked back to my office feeling like I was losing my mind. Nobody seemed to be bothered by the smell except for me.
‘’Pull yourself together Claire. You can’t become crazy now. Not yet’’ I told myself.
It was finally 17:00. It was time to go home!
I couldn’t help but smile as I left. I had 2 days of rest. No work, no wonderful but strange scents driving me crazy—just relaxation. It was weekend!

3 comments :

  1. Something just didn't feel right about this chapter so I am changing it again. Maybe I will remove it entirely and just move on to the next chapter and make it chapter 1 instead.

    I got no comments so I guess other people didn't like it either.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello.
    I just read your chapter.

    It's a good introduction to your character. Needs some smoothing out.

    Here are some tips I wrote down from when I received my last critique.
    *Use your five senses to tell the story.
    *Describe to the reader how the character feels, don't just use the word(s) feel/felt.
    *Take the reader into the scene with you.

    I struggle constantly with the show/don't tell aspect of writing. It's so much easier to tell.

    Keep at it. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for the critique. I appreciate it a lot. I knew that something wasn't quite right about it. But getting a fellow writer to look at it and tell me what is off is actually very nice.

    Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete

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