Monday, August 30, 2010

BREATHE

I am having one of my many anxiety high moments. I am becoming slightly overwhelmed concerning my personal conflict between the person I am and the person I want to be. Say what?

I want to write. But I also need to work. Obviously the paying job gets priority, but as a person I am suffocating. I spend 8 Hours at work answering phones, helping visitors and just acting like an efficient machine for others. When I get home I have about 3-4 hours to edit, but unfortunately I also have to do other chores too. Personally I want to finish editing my manuscript. I want to write on other projects but I just don't get the time. Weekends I still don't get to just write which is highly frustrating.

I am mentally pushing myself everyday, when in reality I just don't have the time to make all the changes I have to make. Not doing what my instincts tell me is making me feel as if though I am betraying my passion, as if I am not being true to myself.

The irony is that a few years ago I stopped writing completely and almost didn't notice the absence because I was so convinced that it was for the better. But now that I have to limit my writing intentionally...it is driving me insane!

I have to constantly remind myself to just breathe. Breathe...breathe and yes...breath.

I guess what I am whining about is spending 40 hours a week pretending to smile and answering phones when I wish I could rather spend it doing what I love. I bet if that was possible there would be a lot more happy people in the world. However, nothing is more frustrating than having tons of inspiration and ideas, but being incapable of implementing it.

It feels as if the writer part of me is dying to get out but the receptionist personality is standing in her way. Why can't the uptight witch be the less prominent personality!

Breathe...breathe...breathe and breathe...

1 comment :

  1. I hear you. I understand. I wish we could all win the lottery and be able to write all the time.

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